-I still think about T.G., every single day.
-I love turning music on so loud that I can feel the bass in my chest.
-I don't think I'm pretty, even though people tell me I am.
-In 9th grade, I kissed a girl, but I am definitely not gay or bi.
-I like wearing dresses, doing my hair and make up, and getting all prettied up even if I have no where to do.
-In 7th grade, one of my friends, a guy I liked, shot himself and died.
-In 9th grade, when my parents found out I cut myself, I lied and told them I was just doing it to get attention from T.G. They believed me.
-I use way too many smiley faces while talking online or texting a friend, not because I'm actually happy, but because I'm trying to cheer myself up.
-I think my friends secretly hate me.
-I want to stop cutting, but I don't know how else to get rid of the feeling.
-Every day, I wish I had the guts to press down harder.
-It's been years since I actually, honest to God cared about anything.
-Today, I used a razor blade to cut in the first time in what I believe is a year, at least.
-I just made three cuts on my leg, two very small ones running one way, and a longer one running the opposite way. I just realized it looks like a =/ smiley, sticking it's tongue out(the blood)
2 comments:
I hope you feel better soon. I know that saying this won't actually make you feel better, but I guess everyone wants to know that they've tried to reach out to someone. It's selfish really, but everyone I know will ask if I'm okay or not, and as long as my answer is yes, they feel they have done their part.
I too cut myself; my arm is littered with scars, and what you described about wanting to have the guts to press down harder is what I think about every day.
A few weeks ago, someone I was talking to said that it's abnormal to think about suicide every week, let alone every day...I didn't have the guts to tell him that I think about it all the time.
When people tell me that they hope I feel better makes me feel even more cut off from the world, as they don't understand what it feels like, but as someone who is experiencing something similar to you I hope that I can make you feel a little better.
Soph
hugs hun, thanks so much for stopping by my blog - i just posted a load of new writing if you want to stop by at some stage.
xx
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